Today Facebook reminded me of something that happened at the very beginning of COVID.
And honestly, I laughed out loud reading it again.
This is one of the posts that had friends telling me, “You need to write a blog.”
At the time I shrugged that off.
But here we are.
So today I’m sharing the original post exactly as I wrote it back then — as proof that my questionable life decisions have been remarkably consistent for quite some time.
Marc never let me live this one down.
“So, a bit of levity for you all in the face of overwhelming seriousness.
I’ve often thought that there was a high probability that one day I would die or lose an eye by impaling myself with a mascara brush.
You see, I’m notorious for doing my makeup at red lights.
I know, I know.
I’m the worst.
Horrible choices.
Vain.
Blah, blah, blah.
Well.
I have officially been scared straight.
On Friday, whilst applying mascara at a red light in town, I was suddenly convinced that I had been shot in the eye.
Like… actually shot in the eye.
I was most certainly dying.
Literally dying.
Or, at a minimum, I had absolutely lost an eye.
I pulled over into a parking lot to figure out what the hell had just happened to me.
I put the car in park and looked in the mirror to assess the damage.
Aside from looking like Alice Cooper, my eye was ANGRY.
Angry to a point of red ferocity I have never seen in my own eyeball.
It scared me.
And it hurt like a red furious poking son of a bitch in my eye.
I briefly considered going to urgent care.
And then I remembered we were in the middle of a global pandemic.
Which meant I absolutely could NOT go to the ER because I was a vain asshat who stabbed herself in the eye with a mascara wand.
So I took a deep breath.
Cleaned off the Alice Cooper fun.
And went on my way.
I sucked it up for two days.
Then last night the pain was so furious that I taped my eye shut.
Literally.
Taped it shut with medical tape.
The look of shock and awe on my poor husband’s face when he found me in this state was something to behold.
Well… at least from what I could tell with my one eye.
(Ow. Ow. Ow. Angry eye.)
He was trying so hard to be kind and supportive.
But he could not hold in his laughter.
And then I realized he was trying to take a picture of me.
I can’t be mad.
I would’ve done the same thing to him.
Probably worse, if I’m being honest.
So this morning I caved and knew I needed to do something.
THANK GOD our company had set us up with MDLIVE as part of our insurance that year.
For real — a godsend.
I am now officially diagnosed with a scratched cornea and taking drops four times a day along with ibuprofen for the swelling and pain.
And I’ll live.
I WILL LIVE.
YAY!
I hope that all of you enjoyed this story in the face of all the seriousness in the world these days.
Leave it to me to nearly pop my own eyeball out in the middle of a global pandemic.
Happy Sunday, friends.”
Reading this again now, I’m reminded of two things.
First, I’ve apparently been making questionable decisions at red lights for years.
And second, humor has always been one of my survival skills.
Life has gotten a lot more complicated since this little mascara incident.
But the ability to laugh at myself — even when I deserve it — is something I’m holding onto.
Because sometimes the only thing you can do in the face of chaos…
is laugh at the fact that you nearly blinded yourself with a mascara brush.
