I’m learning that grief can make you feel like you’re supposed to be in two places at once.
This happened a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been sitting with it ever since.
In one place, life was happening.
There was laughter, sunshine, people I love.
And in another…
there was something I was missing that I couldn’t get back.
__________________________________
I was in Florida, celebrating my best friend’s birthday.
Something I almost didn’t come to.
Her husband told me, “Just come. You need this.”
And he was right.
There was laughter.
Sunshine.
Moments where I actually felt… okay.
__________________________________
And at the exact same time…
back home, something else was happening.
__________________________________
The annual squirrel derby.
A tradition Marc hosted for as long as I can remember.
This year, there was a cake.
And a plaque added to the trophy:
‘In Loving Memory of Marc McDonald – Forever In Our Hearts’
__________________________________
It was beautiful.
And it broke me.
__________________________________
I’m sad I wasn’t there for my kids.
Because I know it broke them too.
__________________________________
I’m so tired of these “firsts.”
The first traditions without him.
The first moments that are supposed to continue on like everything is normal.
Because it’s not.
None of this is normal.
__________________________________
I want my husband back.
I want my kids to have their dad back.
I want to be able to sit in a moment of happiness without feeling like part of me is missing.
__________________________________
Instead, I feel like I’m failing everywhere.
Not there for my kids.
Not fully present with my friend and her family.
Not able to fix any of it.
__________________________________
I laid there that night thinking:
I should have been there.
I should be more present here.
I should have done more.
I should have saved him.
__________________________________
And there the truth is…
I should have saved him.
I should have been more present.
I should have done more.
I don’t know where to put any of the feelings.
They just exist.
All at the same time.
In all of the places.
__________________________________
I think I’ve been a little numb.
And this caught me off guard.
__________________________________
Because grief doesn’t ask you to choose.
It doesn’t let you be fully in one place or the other.
It just…
holds you in both.
__________________________________
And somehow, you’re supposed to exist there…
Everywhere.
__________________________________
I’m learning that moving forward doesn’t mean leaving anything behind.
It just means learning how to carry it all at the same time.
__________________________________
And it’s really fucking heavy.
